Thursday, November 15, 2012

On friends and politics

I feel like I constantly hear two sayings: "don't discuss religion and politics."  And "I don't want to lose friends over politics."

I don't agree with one and a half of those things.

Religion is something that I find others take deeply personally (so is politics, but not as ingrained as religion).  I have no delusions that anything I say will sway anyone from any faith that they have.  To be honest, how can you have a rational discussion about religion?  Religion isn't rational.  So unless I'm in a place and with people I know, religion is off the table for me.

And I will caveat the following with this: I am a horrible debater.  My mind works faster than my mouth and it usually takes me a long time to come up with words I think are good enough - I think part of my problem is that I want my words to convey exactly what I mean and it takes a good long while for me to come around to them, at least in a debate setting.  My medium is normally written word (duh blog, DUH).  Facebook is both a blessing and a curse, because I can debate without speaking out loud - I honestly feel that a lot of my "friends" had no idea how passionate I was about a lot of things, because I never spoke.  I feel like we live in these bubbles and for those of us who have a hard time talking, we're waving inside the bubble while others are talking loud enough to be heard by others.  It's a weird thing.

Anyway, discussing and losing friends over politics.  I exclude family in this, because well ... family is family.  My grandparents are racist but I don't love them any less because they are.  I also exclude work colleagues, because a job is a little more important than politics, at least to me.  Keeping food on the table is pretty important.

Most of the friends I care enough about to see IRL are friends who are similar in my mindset, so when we talk it's mostly discussing things through our similar lenses.  So this is primarily for Facebook, where my words are far more eloquent than when I speak out loud.  How can I describe Facebook? (Her hair is full of secrets).  I have so many "friends" from so many walks of life - ranging from primary school friends to high school friends to old work friends to convention friends to friends I've met through Danny.  I grew up in Arizona and it's a pretty even split between them all on conservative and liberal.  I don't post many things anymore - mostly just articles I find interesting and want to share; I bit during the second presidential debate and posted something about unwed mothers causing gun violence, because stupidity hurts.

So mainly my discussions come from me biting and posting on my friends' statuses lately.  If you post a status on Facebook, you have to expect commentary.  And if you can't back up what you posted, then it's your own damn fault.  If you don't want people who don't agree with you to not see it, you can block them from seeing it.  I have that expectation when I post anything and so I expect it of others.  Clearly, not all are like that.

My freshman year roommate is a Mormon, and surprise, voted for Romney.  She called the president a douche, and so I responded.  Her friends backed her up on it and she never replied, so I didn't either - I remember her being a sweet girl, and I wanted to "hear" the words from her, not from her friends.  A few days ago she posted another status about how the President should be impeached like Nixon over the mess in Benghazi.  I posted because A) factually incorrect, fucking christ and B)I don't believe that you can compare something like national security to a man trying to gain the upper hand of his political opponents through deceptive measures.  I don't feel that they are one in the same.  So I posted that and one of her inane friends chimed in with something racist - "the blacks, Mexicans, and Indians are taking our money."

She completely ignored his racism.  I called him out on it and then she deleted it.  He posted on her wall  that he "was on a roll" and she replied "I don't want to lose friends over politics."

Oh my dear.  You have lost me more for being someone entirely blind to racism than for politics.

Politics is such an overreaching term.  It touches everything from what pundits say to actual policy.  It bleeds over everything that we do, because we live in this nation.  I am teeter tottery on people who don't pay attention - I understand that this is a busy world, and that not everyone can be as plugged in as I can (though on the other hand if you talk about it, maybe you should try to educate yourself).  I understand that it can be easy to ignore someone's "politics" to have a friendship.

But racism affects politics and you can't ignore that.  Racism is real life.  It affects real people in real ways - harmful ways, ways that non-POC have to think about to understand. And I choose not to associate with racist people.  And for her not to call her friend out on his racism, to call it "politics," really makes me not want to be your "friend" anymore.

I can pick and choose my friends and I choose friends who are not racist.  Who care about people.  And I don't think that's wrong, and I don't think that's bad.  If I lose friends over it, then I guess they weren't really friends.

That was a long leadup to a really short conclusion.  Summary: please discuss politics and if you post you don't want to lose friends over politics, you're kind of ignorant and probably need better friends.

In still political news, how hilarious is the utter conservative breakdown on public media?  I started this post a day after the election, so it's been awhile, but man, it's still hilarious.  The motherfucking apocalypse is coming.  Hide yo kids.

Friday, August 17, 2012

Some food stuff

A few of my culinary creations that I want to remember:

- Eggplant fried in almond flour, with spaghetti squash, tomato sauce, and pork chops
-Balsamic glazed pork chops
- Steak fajita salads
- Chicken in a "peanut sauce" (almond butter, coconut amino, hot sauce, water, salt) with sautéed onions, cucumber, squash, and diced jalapeños.
- Non crumbly almond flour pancakes with eggs and veggies for "breakfast for dinner" flavor

I feel like we eat the same thing a lot, but I'm getting more creative at the same time I feel.  Sometimes you can't get around a good steak and veggies, or a ground beef scramble with veggies.  Avocado and guacamole make everything good.

I went shopping solo for the first time yesterday and I'm liking it so far.  Danny likes to come to pick out steaks, but I didn't do too badly I think.  We always overestimate what we need, and we usually end up losing a lot of our produce and sometimes our meat, which is a terrible sin to me.  So I tried to keep it simple:

- Four cucumbers
- Four green squash
- Four yellow squash
- Four not ripe avocados (Safeway didn't have any ripe avocados in the entire fucking store, I checked)
- Two crowns of broccoli
- A spaghetti squash
- Four sweet potatoes
- A bin of baby spinach
- A package of romaine hearts
- A package of blueberries and a package of raspberries
- Two bunches of bananas (we go through bananas really fast, plus I can freeze them for ice cream)
- 3 packages of guacamole
- A package of pork chops, a package of chicken breasts, 2 lbs of ground beef, 2 lbs of ground turkey, a package of thin steaks for fajitas, and a package of good grilling steaks.

We used to buy a bunch of sweet potatoes and yams, plus strawberries which we never, ever eat.  They would always go bad.  The same with all the squash, it would be hanging out in our fridge forever.  So this is an effort at reducing.

The pork chops and ground turkey I immediately put in the freezer.  Yesterday I cooked all of the chicken and today made the fajita steaks.  Tomorrow I will make a ground beef scramble for lunch, and for dinner I will make the spaghetti squash with meat sauce, plus veggies and we probably split a sweet potato.  That leaves only the grilling steaks in the fridge, which we may end up cooking tonight, which might fuck up all our plans because that will leave enough for breakfast tomorrow, which means that I'll have an extra pound of ground beef to use for maybe a scramble the next morning.  At the very least I will use most of the meat in the fridge by Saturday morning, and then over the weekend we can eat the ground turkey and pork chops in the freezer.

So I guess my point is that meal planning is nice in theory, and I've started to visualize what I'm actually going to make with all the food we get at the grocery, as opposed to buying a ton in bulk and letting a lot go to waste.  I'll probably have to hit the store again on Sunday, if not tomorrow because I neeeeeed almond butter.  I feel really good about the amount of produce we have left - two of each squash, two cucumbers, and all the broccoli.  Plus all the spinach and romaine hearts.

I spent about 200 dollars for about 5 days, which still feels uncomfortably large for me.  I did spend a good 30 on some makeup and shampoo and conditioner, plus other small sundries for the house, so it's not all on food.  But the bulk of it is, and that's mainly the meat.  We're talking about going half in with Danny's brother for a biiiig hunk of cow that we can freeze.  That would probably save some money.  I'd still need to buy turkey and chicken and pork chops, but it would take care of our steak needs (which is where the bulk of our meat money goes) for awhile.

I'm feeling pretty positive about life right now, despite the fact that I think we may have to push Seattle off again - Danny probably needs surgery on his hands, and that's going to take at least a month, so we may just wait until after the new year.  So we'll see.  But in terms of trying to take care of the house more, and eating better and feeling better, I'm feeling pretty positive.

Sweets are still the bane of my existence, and I have some bananas chilling in the fridge for ice cream, but goddamn I want waffles (still on my waffle kick, apparently).  If I had almond butter I'd probably make some pancakes, but ah well.

So anyway.  This is my domestic post of the week.

Wednesday, August 8, 2012

An ode inspired by waffles

I would literally smash someone's brains in for waffles.

Maybe not that extreme.  At least not yet.

I don't remember our last bad meal together, I think it was Saturday night.  So it's been a few days.

As much as I tell myself to just go with it, I get ridiculously cranky when I can't have what I want.  For example, right now I am dying for waffles.  It's rainy outside and I want some breakfast food.  When I'm not cranky, nowadays I will just bite my lip and see what I have in my fridge and snack on Lara bars or raspberries.  When I know I'm craving something intensely and it doesn't take much effort, I can normally try to plan Paleo alternatives.  The day before yesterday I wanted fried chicken - so yesterday I marinated some chicken breasts and then coated them with a spicy almond flour mix and baked it in the oven and they came out great.

When I crave ice cream, I make my smoothie of bananas, berry, cocoa powder, coconut milk, and honey - sometimes almond butter.  Right now I want waffles, and I don't want fucking almond flour waffles and honey, I want some waffles with butter and syrup and whipped cream and milk.  Not to mention we don't have a waffle maker.

I'm left with a few questions - if I wasn't trying to eat Paleo, would I still be cranky?

Probably.  Or maybe, I'd get over it.  I feel like I would get over it, considering we don't have a waffle maker and I didn't used to know how to make pancakes and probably wouldn't expend the effort anyway.  I would probably talk myself down from it and eat what was in the fridge.

Right now I'm talking myself up to go out and get those waffles instead of cooking something.

It's strange, and I think it's something I need to tackle.  I still feel confined eating Paleo style, and I've spent a good part of my adult life trying to reach around that confining feeling and feeling good about what I ate, no matter what it was.  I've always believed in moderation, and I fully believe that I could eat waffles tonight, and tomorrow go back to eating eggs and vegetables and almond flour concoctions.

That brings up my next question: if I were back in non-Paleo scenario, would it be as easy to eat well?

Probably not.  More than likely, I'd probably be eating terribly and not feel very inclined to solve the problem.  Instead, I'd get my waffles and the next morning eat a bowl of cereal (oh my god I fucking love cereal, now I want cereal), and then probably get some greasy fast food for lunch and for dinner eat mac and cheese and a sandwich.

So with those answers, I think that Paleo is doing good things for me.  There are days when I don't crave anything and days when I'm excited about eating good food.  And then are days like today, where I know I shouldn't have waffles, and that makes me insanely hostile, I will rip your face off cranky.

My next question is then: is this crankiness worth not having waffles?



So my answer is this: I don't think the cranky is worth not eating waffles, but Paleo has started to have some great effects on me, which I appreciate.  I know goals are all about "pushing past your hangups," but I don't even know what my goal with Paleo is.  It's to eat better, certainly, to feel better and be more active.  So far, it's working.  I don't think eating waffles right now would deter that.  If it became a bad habit, then obviously.  But I've come to realize that so much of my emotional state has become tied to food, mainly because of this "diet," which is why I've not done diets for any part of my life except now.  I've never felt the need to cut things out entirely, and as much as I try now, it's still not worth it.

I have to take care of myself, both mentally and physically, and I'm working on both.  The fitness people may be all up in my grill yelling FUCKING PUSH PAST IT YOU FUCKING WIMP FUCKING GLUTEN AND ADDED SUGAR AND OH MY GOD THAT STUFF WILL KILL YOU but at this point I'm ready to shrug my shoulders and yell back MIND YOUR OWN FUCKING BUSINESS.

I want some fucking waffles.  Eating should not be this much of a struggle, and if it is, I feel like I'm doing something wrong.

Monday, August 6, 2012

Just savin' this recipe here since nobody has Tumblr share buttons /sob

ThePaleoMom: Recipe: Paleo Chicken Fingers: What kid doesn’t like chicken fingers?  I’ve experimented with a few different techniques, trying to find one that yields a nice “breading”...

Thursday, August 2, 2012

Oh 3am

When I was in middle school and high school I used to think about how cool it would be if I had my own apartment in a huge city.  I love the feeling of the being anonymous, of being another story in thousands of stories sitting on top of each other.  Of interacting with people in a way that was slight and could be so much more if a pin dropped in the right way.

Now I'm thinking about Seattle and where we would live and I balk at the thought of a tiny apartment anywhere, at the thought of being confined.  

You ruined me for life, desert.  I need my space.  I need to be spread out.

I still like big cities.  I could never live in Tucson my entire life, or Flagstaff.  I still love those stories stacked on each other, and I guess it's egotistical, but I like the possibility of maybe being in them.  So Seattle is still the right choice.

It feels more and more like this might be our last few months here.  Our plans keep shifting, and it's hard to nail anything down, but I'm thinking about it a lot and today we looked at more houses and actually plotted for a year in the future.  We have only a dog and a house full of things to get there, and I think that's completely doable in a few weeks.  If we wait until October to commit to anything, we'll be sitting super pretty.

I'm always ready to pack my life up and move.  I have more baggage now than I have ever had in my life, and that's taken some time adjusting to, because when I've planned, it's always just me.  Now I have a dog and this boy and all his baggage too.  It's a lot to get used to.  

I would miss my stars, the sunsets, and the beauty of these mountains.  But I would get the ocean, and stars, and that's enough.

It's 3am and I'm feeling very nostalgic.

Monday, July 30, 2012

Monumental ch-ch-changesssss

Disneyland was a great time.  We ended up being way more Paleo than we were in Vegas, though we definitely cheated more than we wanted to.  Whatevs, it's Disneyland.  We have a whole month of being home before we head out to Seattle (and then again in October, and then hopefully not for a few months!) for a week-ish.  Today we're finishing up leftovers from my Italian birthday dinner last night, Danny is buying a car, and then we're food shopping.  Back to the grind.

It's taken me some time, and for some reason, this trip, to realize that goals and whatnot aren't bad.  And that what I'm doing - essentially cooking, cleaning, helping my boyfriend with his work - isn't bad.  I have been conditioned for a very long time to work, work, work, and not stop, and that anything else was bad.  Relying on someone else has been a dizzying experience that I'm still not fully used to.  Having money isn't something I'm fully used to yet.   But that's another post for another time.

Right now I'm mentally prepping myself for trying to step more fully and with less resistance and less anger into these roles, of helping with the cooking and the cleaning, etc, and not hating myself for it.  It's TOUGH.  I think part of it is also that before this, I never even had time cook and clean for myself.  Or well, it wasn't something high on my priority list - more of a, when I'm an adult, I will cook and clean.  Right now I will eat terrible food and put off cleaning.

I turned 24 yesterday.  That makes me an adult, right?

I think there is definitely that added dynamic of being the main force of cooking/cleaning for both of us, when it's still totally foreign for just me.  I'm come to the hesitant-not quite there in my heart but I understand it in my head-"acceptance" that he takes care of us both, financially, and I kind of sit here and let him and begrudgingly clean and make food and expect him to help with both when I don't even do one or the other.  If I want to be able to keep sitting here doing nothing (which I don't forever, but for right now is fine enough), then I should be ok with contributing in some way.  Some way that is productive and helps him continue taking care of us both.

It feels dirty saying that, but again, that's the way I've thought my entire life.  It's going to take awhile to shake that completely.

I'm going to try and schedule my day up, and so is he.  For me, I will have an hour of training Yoshi, an hour of practicing piano (once we have that going), an hour for exercise, an hour for doing what I need to do to help him (answering emails, Facebook ish, mailing things, etc), probably 1-2 hours of cooking/cleaning.  6 hours of "work."  I want the kitchen to be cleaned every day - if not every night, every morning.  If the floor is covered by tumbleweeds of Yoshi's fur and dirt she drags in, I need to vacuum.  If there are things being annoying on the floor, I need to clean them.  I don't need to be perfect, but I need to be better.

I think we're going to try to be up by noon every day, to exercise at night when it's cooler.  I want to try and plan meals now so we're not eating the same variation of the same thing every day.   Paleo can be extremely, wonderfully varied, and if I don't take the time to try it, I'm going to end up frustrated and angry like I have been.

These feel like monumental changes, but I think they're good ones.  I hope they are.

Monday, July 16, 2012

Paleo again

We are back on the Paleo grind. Our original intention when we went to Las Vegas was to be as Paleo as possible, with the understanding we'd cheat inevitably.  But our intention was to eat meat and veggies like wild people.


Whoops.  No excuses.

We're back home and it took us a few days to get back into it, but we restocked our fridge the day before yesterday and had our first good meal of pork chops and veggies last night.  I woke up this afternoon (we're heading to bed around 5 in the morning lately and getting up around 2 or 3 in the afternoon) and made a salad with a leftover pork chop, spinach, baby tomatoes, avocado, and hot sauce. Tonight I'm going to try to make chicken skewers for the grill.  If it rains, I'll probably just toss everything together on the stove and warm up some Paleo friendly marinara sauce to smother over everything.  I have bananas freezing in the fridge to try and whip up some "ice cream" later - will be mixing those bananas and cocoa powder in the food processor.  I wanted to use 85% or higher squares of chocolate, but a trip to Sprouts yielded no such thing.  The highest I was found was 72%.  Really Sprouts?  They also had no fish sauce, which I wanted to to use to make a marinade for the chicken.

I wish we had a Whole Foods nearby.  As expensive as they are, they have what I need.  I haven't been to Trader Joe's yet while being Paleo - I'm interested in checking it out sometime.

Regardless, I'm still excited to try my banana "ice cream."  Look at me go again, heading straight for the sweets.

We're trying to ration our food and use everything before Friday, when we head out for a week AGAIN.  We're going to my grandparents' 50th anniversary party in Rancho Santa Margarita, and spending the weekend in town with my family.  On Monday we're going to the Happiest Place on Earth - not my bed, but Disneyland.  Eeek!  We are going to try and do Paleo as much as we can again.  I'm not sure how the weekend will shake out yet, since our hotel room doesn't have a fridge or microwave, but our room near Disney does.  We'll stock up on cold meats, lettuce, packaged guac, and hot sauce, plus dried fruits, nuts, and jerky.  Our plan is to try and eat before we hit the park every day, so that we're not tempted to buy random sweets or go crazy on fried goodness, and then find suitable places to eat offsite.  We do want to eat at Pizza Port, Blue Bayou, and Goofy's Kitchen though, so those are established free feeding times.

We also discovered the goodness that are Lara Bars today.  I brought home the apple pie, lemon, and banana bread flavors (I also cheated and had a peanut butter one).  It looks like they use dates as the base for everything, and most everything else is good.  I don't want to eat them every day, since they have a bunch of fiber and too much fiber doesn't make my stomach the happiest, plus a bunch of calories and too much fat.  But they'll come in handy when we're battling the crowds at Disneyland and are starving for sustenance.  We sampled all 3 flavors I brought home today and my stomach is already like, garrr.  I am really slacking on my water intake.


I made chicken stir fry, my Paleo "ice cream," and fig cake balls tonight.

My kitchen is a mess and I found out my super cool boss agrees with Daniel Tosh and I'm sick of feeling sick about people that feel it's ok to threaten people.  I'm tired of being around people and sad.

Today got blue really fast.

Thursday, July 12, 2012

Daniel Tosh and rape jokes

If you haven't heard yet about Daniel Tosh and his rape "joke," you're slacking on keeping up with the internet.  Shame!  Just kidding.  I was questioned last night by someone who doesn't quite think what Daniel Tosh was wrong; moreover, he thought that the lady in question wasn't being honest, and that nobody will ever know for sure what was said.  I had no words to respond, and as I do more often than not, I fumed and became huffy that someone couldn't understand something I wasn't saying.  Imagine that!  Someone couldn't read my mind.

So in an effort to clarify my feelings on the subject, here we are.  There are dozens of articles already, and they are all probably better well written than this one will be, but here this is anyway.

To start I guess you have to ask the obvious question: is rape funny?  More broadly, is there any topic that should be "hands off" for every comedian?

Practically, the answer is no.  No subject will ever be off limits for everyone.  That being said, I don't believe that any topic should be off limits.  Yes, I said it.  I don't think rape "jokes"are off limits.  That's going to get me in trouble with my feminist friends and probably a lot more.  Now let me clarify a bit more: rape isn't funny.  If you think rape is funny, I have no words for you.  I don't think anyone in his right mind thinks that rape is funny (unless you're a very special kind of asshole).

I will never use rape as a joke.  I prefer not to hear rape jokes, because I think it makes the comedian unattractive.  There are literally thousands of things you can make light of; making light of a traumatizing event experienced by a minority of the population is just picking low hanging fruit.  I will never appreciate, laugh at, or think that jokes that take aim at a marginalized group of people are funny.

Do I think they can serve a purpose?  Yes.  I'm trying very hard to remember a Family Guy skit that used rape and that I thought was useful.  I don't remember exactly, but it was clever, and it was set up in a way that used the joke as a tool to expose rape culture.  That, I think, is useful.  It was jarring, clear, and made me actually appreciate it.  Here are two more examples from this Jezebel article (I think this article is one of the better ones I've read so far on this subject).

So do I think rape jokes are funny?  Never.  Do I think they can be useful is making people stop, think, examine their privilege, and come away with a better understanding of what those (mainly) women go through?  Yes.

All that being said, Daniel Tosh was not being funny.  Daniel Tosh was being a bully.  To go back to the impetus of this writing, was this young lady lying?  My response: I will always stand with the victim.  This is a world dominated by men, in law enforcement and entertainment.  The facts are these: mostly women, people of color, and trans* people are the victims of rape.  Minorities.  By sheer numbers alone, in most cases, these people are not in positions in power.  And as someone who is constantly questioning the "power," the patriarchy, and the government, it would be ridiculous of me to simply close the book and say, "nope, no facts!  Must just ignore it and possibly let someone who is in no position of power feel even more marginalized."

Again, Daniel Tosh was not being funny.  Would it be funny to rape someone?  No, you fucking jackass.  Odds are, Sir White-Straight-Cis-Male with a legion of fans, money, and a TV network behind you, you will never be raped.  You will never fear for your safety in a comedy club while some man extols just how fucking hilarious it would be if you were raped.  Same for you, other male comedians (I'm looking at you Louie C.K.).  It's easy to jump up and hide behind the "if we can't joke about one thing we can't joke about anything!!!" guise.  Stop being cowards and stop acting like victims.  Man the fuck up.  Nobody is telling you the that you can't say something (remember, Americcaaaaa).  Take the backlash and admit (really admit) that you dun fucked up, Daniel Tosh.  You weren't funny; you were perpetuating violence and being a bully.  You are not a victim.

And to touch briefly on the subject of "but there's no outcry when it's male rape!"  You're right.  There isn't.  When it becomes apparent that white, cis, straight men are being raped more than women, people of color, and trans* people, then maybe there will be an outcry.  We are a long, long, long way from that though.  Until then, keep your MRA conspiracies to yourself and again: you are not a victim.

I think I've sufficiently summed up how I feel on this matter.

Saturday, June 30, 2012

Walk walk

Today we've only had a bunch of beef and turkey.  We cooked it all up last night and had a lot left over that we snacked on throughout the day.  We're leaving town for a week on Sunday and we're trying not to buy anymore food.  We still have a some packages of raspberries and blueberries left that we need to finish up, but that's mainly it.

We just did our daily mile walk.  It's soooo hard to get motivated to get up and do it, still.  Some days I'm better than others, some days Danny has to nag me to get up and go.  I'm trying to stay motivated to keep him motivated, and for Yoshi, since Yoshi needs to walk more too.  If I focus on my puppy dog, it helps.  It only takes 20 minutes and we've been at it for about a week and a half.  We've only taken two days off, so I'm proud of us so far.  We also do push-ups and arm exercises on the exercise ball some days - we've had someone staying with us for the past week and him being around kind of makes it weird doing it?  I don't know.  I think we'll pick it back up once he goes home.

On Sunday we're heading to Laughlin for the 4th.  My grandparents live around Bullhead City.  Yoshi is coming with us and we'll be staying in a hotel, but Yoshi will be staying with them. I'm a nervous wreck about it, but I think she'll be fine.  I'll probably stay with her the first night to help her acclimate.  I think it would be good for my grandmother to get an inside dog to baby(they have a dog already but he refuses to come inside - it's the weirdest thing).  She's been lackluster about the idea, but I hope that Yoshi being with her constantly for a week will help convince her.  On the 5th we're going to Las Vegas for EVO.  Danny knows a bunch of people going and while I'm going to be nervous and full of social anxiety around so many people, I'll be ok.  I'm probably just be worried about my puppy dog.

We're planning on trying to be as Paleo as we can.  We've decided on two cheats throughout so far - the buffet at the Bellagio and at my grandparents' house, because come on, I can't pass up my grandma's real Mexican food.  Unf.  We're not going to be perfect (obviously we're going to drink) and we're going to end up eating fast food and bad food at times, but we'll try to mostly keep to meat and veggies.  Sweden made us feel fucking terrible with all its cheese and greasy stuff, so I'm not dying to repeat.

About to stop being lazy and get up and cook some chicken.  I have a pineapple I need to get rid of before Sunday, so I'm going to dice some up and throw it in with the chicken and some curry powder and see how it comes out.  Hopefully delicious!

Wednesday, June 27, 2012

A revolutionary thought

I've always been fat.  My entire life I have had to deal with the stigma, the idiocy of other people, and the whole world telling me that if I could only get skinny, everything would be better.

It took a very long time and a lot of soul searching and learning on my part to shake that.  Some people are born with that grace and confidence to be who they are and not give a damn what others think; some people aren't, and I'm one of those people. It took a very long time to come to terms with my size and to break away from the preconcieved notions I had of who I was supposed to be and what I was supposed to look like.

Faking it was second nature throughout high school, and not talking about it and pretending it didn't exist is how I lived.  I was never tormented for it, but I was acutely aware of it - in how my NJROTC uniform didn't fit, in how the clothes I wore were intentionally baggy because I was supposed to hide myself in frumpy clothes.  Maybe everyone in high school feels that way, that they are acutely aware of something about them that is wrong as defined by society.

In college and throughout I came to find the fat acceptance movement and started reading everything I could find.  I found women who looked like me, were shaped like me, and were proud of their bodies.  I started trying to find clothes that made me feel good, especially when I started being able to afford them.  I'm all for "fuck flattering," but the sad truth is that clothes that fit me and the ones I like are expensive.  But fuck flattering, just for the record.

I started not hating every bit of food I put in my mouth.  Most of all, I started seeing that if people had problems with me because of my size, it wasn't a fault of mine.  It wasn't something that I had done, I wasn't the broken one.  Those people who had problems with me were the problems.  

Insecurities still find me at times.  I'm proud to say fuck you to those who have problems with me, and I'm proud that I fight so hard against the conventional wisdom that I need to lose weight to be healthy (because if I'm healthy and feel good and am exercising and don't lose weight, then I'm where I'm supposed to be).  I still have problems though - when I'm trying on clothes I'm anxious, when I'm in a room with conventionally beautiful, thin people, I'm anxious and wondering if I'm the black sheep and if only I could change myself.  I wonder if my partner doesn't want to have sex all the time because of the way I look, I wonder if only I was thinner would I be less anxious around people.  Just this week I finally purchased a bathing suit that people will probably judge me for - short little shorts, all this thigh for people to see.

If only, if only.  I'm not crippled by those insecurities though, I can always rise past them.  There are good days and bad days.  It's a process, because my body constantly subject to criticisms from everyone.  From diet ads on tv, from low fat food products, from yogurts that will help me lose pounds to look good in my bathing suit (I look fine in my nice new bathing suit, thanks a bunch).  From people telling me if I only moved more, I'd lose weight.  From the First Lady trying to combat childhood obesity by getting us to "move."

We are always subject to these criticisms.  Even conventionally beautiful, thin people are subject to someone telling them to be something they're not.  You need more bust.  You need longer hair.  You're too bony.

The world is full of advertisements to make us into something we aren't.  Keeping true to yourself in this world is difficult and strewn with mean comments, bullying, and strangers telling you what to do to be attractive.

It's a difficult world.  I've reached the stage where I can mostly say fuck off, my fatness is none of your business.  It really isn't.

I had a revolutionary thought (at least to me) the other day that I've finally come to the point where I'm a person who can be confident in who I am and still have insecurities.  I don't have to be perfectly okay with myself.  I can have my bad and good days.  It doesn't shake the fact that I'm a good person, and the size of my body is the concern of only myself.  To me, that's revolutionary.

Adventures in curry making

To be short, it didn't taste like anything I wanted.  Whoops.  That's not to say that it came out terrible - it came out edible, and a little tasty.  I ended up bouncing between two different recipes I found on two different Paleo sites and I think that may have contributed to the watery taste of the curry.  I also think I think fish sauce, which I don't have in the pantry yet.  I made cauliflower rice for the first time as well and it came out better than I expected.  I'm not a huge fan of cauliflower, and I was apprehensive when I tore open the packaging - but what do you know, it's just like broccoli.  It took about 5 seconds in the food processor and two minutes in the microwave and bam, a rice like substance.  I did chicken and squash in a different pan (I would have used more veggies, but all we had was squash) and threw cumin, coriander, salt, and some curry blend I had hiding in my spices into the curry to try and draw out more taste.  It worked alright.

And then I made a smoothie out of coconut milk, strawberries, almond butter, and a tiny bit of cocoa.  I'm having one of those a day lately, but I need my sweet fix.  On the days I don't have that, I usually have Starbucks.  There are so many versions of Paleo out there that it's hard accept one definition; some people even do cheese and corn, which we don't do.  Starbucks is my vice, and I get an iced coffee with heavy whipping cream.  I miss chai like crazy.

We haven't been eating as much as we used to - part of it is that our food is filling, and another part is that we've been busy with people over all the time eating all our food.  That's not bad!  We've had guests over, and we have someone staying with us for a few days now and he'll be here another couple of weeks.  I don't mind having people over to eat with us; I actually enjoy it, because I can try cooking things and get feedback (cleaning up sucks but what can you do?).  But it depletes our food very fast and when we get hungry at night and we're tired, we'll just go to bed instead of fire up the grill.  We had sugar free turkey that was keeping us good but we couldn't it find it the last time we went shopping.

I'm still unsure of what to say about Paleo, or this lifestyle we're trying out.  We had a cheat meal on Monday - Danny chose a fast-food Mexican place and I chose Jack in the Box, from which I got jalapeño poppers, fries, tacos, and a shake.  I was so excited about the jalapeño poppers, because I've been dreaming of them every time I go by a Jack in the Box.  To my great dismay, they weren't as tasty as I was hoping for.  Even the tacos weren't.  The fries were alright, but only with ranch.  The only part of the meal I wasn't super disappointed with was my shake, but I have a crazy sweet tooth, so that makes sense. Damn that shake was great.  Ice cream is great.  Nobody can tell me otherwise.

Anyway, Danny was also not into his meal, and we both felt bad afterward.  It was definitely an enlightening experience.  It's the first time I've felt the direct correlation of eating bad food to feeling bad so starkly.

I'm not sure where I was going with this.  Food is important.  I wish my curry had come out better. I miss ice cream.  That about sums it up.

Wednesday, June 20, 2012

Fig cake balls oh my gawd

I have a terrible sweet tooth - it's fucking annoying.  Right now we're on a little more than a week of being back on Paleo, and I've been dying for sweet stuff.  Dying.  We got a small blender over the weekend, which is better for smoothies - I've been using the food processor, woops.  I toss in a banana, a few strawberries, almond butter, and some almond milk and ice and I'm good for a fix normally.

I can't deny that I would eat sweet things all the time if I could.  It's a disease, really.

My biggest concern on being on Paleo was that I would lose my sweets.  Yes, I know they're terrible for you.  I know the wisdom, but goddamnit, sometimes I want something sweet.  I get happiness out of it, if you will - if you say something otherwise I will fight you.

I am, however, trying to make an effort to get excited about Paleo. I mentioned in my last post that it wasn't something I came to lightly, and it's still something I get frustrated about, particularly when I'm chopping vegetables and all I want to do is pour a bowl of cereal and curl up on the couch and watch tv.  That's when it's hard, and that's when I'm at my most loathsome.  I've been reading blogs and websites from motivated Paleo people, and it's helping.  I'm reblogging things I see on Tumblr I want to try and bookmarking recipes on my iPad.  It's a process.

In my effort to get excited, I of course ran straight to see what sweet things I could have.  And I found this recipe by PaleOMG.

I think I was successful.

Oh man was I stoked when they came out okay. I toyed with the recipe a little, added more cocoa (sweet tooth, ok?), less honey and salt.  This picture was from my first batch during the middle of the week.  They went fast - my sister and her girlfriend were over, me and Danny and his brother.  I just made a lot more right now (about two whole packages of figs and a whole package of cashews) and they're chilling in the freezer.  It helps to keep them firm, plus I like them cold.

They're definitely not the best for you, especially if you eat a bunch at once - I mean, that's a whole package of figs and half a bag of nuts.  Yikes!

But they help with my sugar cravings, and they're way better than the alternative.  It's foods like this that make me excited about Paleo, especially because they came out so good.  I need positive reinforcement with food I make, and it's all I've been getting, so fuck yeah fig balls.

On a not so positive reinforcement note, I tried making sweet potato hummus the other day.  It was ... well, it was ok. Way too sweet and not hummus-y enough for me at all.  You win some, you lose some.

I picked up some mason jars a few days ago and some mint leaves today and I'm planning trying my hand at flavored waters.  I like cucumbers and and strawberries in my water, but the aesthetic of it in a mason jar is my main driving force right now.  We got a new grill this weekend also, so I'm hoping we make some chicken skewers.  I love me some skewers.

Saturday, June 16, 2012


I'm not 100 percent sure yet what this blog is going to be - I'd like to eventually put billions of cool things here, but for right now I need a place write about this Paleo "diet" my boyfriend and I are undertaking.  So for now, blog on Blogger, I shall use you for that, instead of Tumblr. Take it.

Danny and I are eating more or less Paleo.  Danny technically started in May, and then we went to Sweden and that fucked everything up - because Sweden likes it cheese and bread.  Oh man.  Cheese and bread.  Anyway, we started up again almost a week ago when we came back from Sweden.  It's been going good so far.

I have a lot of thoughts on diets and whatnot, and it took me a very long time to come around to this, because I'm body positive and diet negative, mostly because of the connotations that come with that word. I believe in being healthy, eating healthy, and moderation specifically.  I'm jumping on this Paleo wagon because Danny really likes it and I want to be supportive, and because while I have some problems with the specifics of this "diet" (specifically eating so much meat), it's more or less easy to work with.  It cuts out sugars, dairy, legumes,and grain.  We're fortunate enough that we can afford the amounts of meat we consume, plus a variety of vegetables, spices, sauces, nuts, and other things that make eating Paleo easier.  We're also fortunate that we have a pretty nice market right down the street that provides fresh vegetables and the fancier other things that I want sometimes, like coconut amino.

We're in the right place at the right time, so I'm willing to give this a shot.

So!  So far I've made kale chips, almond flour pancakes, lemon pepper chicken with real lemon juice, and cooked so much chicken and steak it's like I enjoy it or something (confession: sometimes I do, but I fucking hate cleaning, so we have problems, but anyway).  I'm going to try my hand at sweet potato hummus tonight (sweet potatoes, garlic, tahini, lemon juice, let's go) and I'm really looking forward to it.  I hope it works out!

First real post!  Feels good man, feels good.

Monday, May 14, 2012

Hello there

I'm not sure what to write here yet, but I'm sure things will come out of it at some point.  I haven't written cohesively in a very long time, and I hope now that I have an abundance of time on my hands, that something nice will happen. So here we go.