Monday, July 30, 2012

Monumental ch-ch-changesssss

Disneyland was a great time.  We ended up being way more Paleo than we were in Vegas, though we definitely cheated more than we wanted to.  Whatevs, it's Disneyland.  We have a whole month of being home before we head out to Seattle (and then again in October, and then hopefully not for a few months!) for a week-ish.  Today we're finishing up leftovers from my Italian birthday dinner last night, Danny is buying a car, and then we're food shopping.  Back to the grind.

It's taken me some time, and for some reason, this trip, to realize that goals and whatnot aren't bad.  And that what I'm doing - essentially cooking, cleaning, helping my boyfriend with his work - isn't bad.  I have been conditioned for a very long time to work, work, work, and not stop, and that anything else was bad.  Relying on someone else has been a dizzying experience that I'm still not fully used to.  Having money isn't something I'm fully used to yet.   But that's another post for another time.

Right now I'm mentally prepping myself for trying to step more fully and with less resistance and less anger into these roles, of helping with the cooking and the cleaning, etc, and not hating myself for it.  It's TOUGH.  I think part of it is also that before this, I never even had time cook and clean for myself.  Or well, it wasn't something high on my priority list - more of a, when I'm an adult, I will cook and clean.  Right now I will eat terrible food and put off cleaning.

I turned 24 yesterday.  That makes me an adult, right?

I think there is definitely that added dynamic of being the main force of cooking/cleaning for both of us, when it's still totally foreign for just me.  I'm come to the hesitant-not quite there in my heart but I understand it in my head-"acceptance" that he takes care of us both, financially, and I kind of sit here and let him and begrudgingly clean and make food and expect him to help with both when I don't even do one or the other.  If I want to be able to keep sitting here doing nothing (which I don't forever, but for right now is fine enough), then I should be ok with contributing in some way.  Some way that is productive and helps him continue taking care of us both.

It feels dirty saying that, but again, that's the way I've thought my entire life.  It's going to take awhile to shake that completely.

I'm going to try and schedule my day up, and so is he.  For me, I will have an hour of training Yoshi, an hour of practicing piano (once we have that going), an hour for exercise, an hour for doing what I need to do to help him (answering emails, Facebook ish, mailing things, etc), probably 1-2 hours of cooking/cleaning.  6 hours of "work."  I want the kitchen to be cleaned every day - if not every night, every morning.  If the floor is covered by tumbleweeds of Yoshi's fur and dirt she drags in, I need to vacuum.  If there are things being annoying on the floor, I need to clean them.  I don't need to be perfect, but I need to be better.

I think we're going to try to be up by noon every day, to exercise at night when it's cooler.  I want to try and plan meals now so we're not eating the same variation of the same thing every day.   Paleo can be extremely, wonderfully varied, and if I don't take the time to try it, I'm going to end up frustrated and angry like I have been.

These feel like monumental changes, but I think they're good ones.  I hope they are.

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